Five Practical Tips For Adopting A Toddler

Written by: Amy Bagwell

After a sweet, toddling girl joined our family by a bit of surprise, we started learning on the go! Looking back on our experience, here are some practical tips to know before adopting a toddler.

1. Learn as much about them as you can before they join your family, in hopes that it will ease the transition. Here are a few example questions to ask:

• What type of food does she love?

• Does she have a favorite show, movie, or character?

• What does a typical day look like for her, does she have a routine, bed time, etc.?

• Does she have any food allergies or intolerances, medical history we should be aware of?

2. Be prepared to co-sleep. Every child is different and will require different sleeping setups, but co-sleeping in the early days of our family was crucial for our daughter to bond with us and gain comfort in our home. Stress can present itself in some toddlers throughout the night, that was true in our case, so being a nearby source of comfort was critical as she learned to trust us.

3. Do your best to find a pediatrician who understands adoption. Our pediatrician is an adoptive, foster, and biological parent. I am beyond thankful for his level of understanding of not only our daughters physical and emotional development as a toddler, but as a child who has recently joined a new family and undergone quite the change.

4. Educate yourself on toddler adoption and trauma. Talk with people who have been where you are. If you don’t know them in real life, find them online! Join the conversation on platforms like @adoptwell, read what others have written and ask questions. Read The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and watch her YouTube video on the Introduction of TBRI(trust based relational intervention). Those were two of the most helpful resources for us. You may not know what a child has experienced, but the sheer act of joining a new family is jarring. It would be better to be over prepared on the front-end than to look back years later and recognize characteristics stemming from trauma in retrospect.

5. Get to know your child, then make decisions. When our daughter first joined our family, we practiced cocooning. Most things I read strongly recommended this technique when adopting a toddler to promote bonding and attachment. After a week or so, she and I both began to go a little stir crazy. One morning I decided to take her to Target, and she came ALIVE. She was beyond happy, she waved at everyone and was talking a million miles a minute. I realized that while it was important for her to develop comfort and security in our home and family, the girl also needed to get out and adventure. That’s not true for everyone, and it’s not what most books recommend, but for her and what she was accustomed to before joining our family, Target made for an easier transition. So yes, listen to counsel from people much wiser than myself, but at the end of the day, listen to your child.

And for bonus points - stay connected to your community. When a toddler joins your family, it is wonderful and it is hard! Take advantage of free meals, an hour of alone time, or play dates. Let people love you.

The Shame Game

Written by: Jenni Starling

The battle between guilt and shame is nothing new to any of us. Especially if you have traveled any road with any amount of uncertainty, these two beasts can play a UFC Cage Fight in your mind and body. Brenè Brown, wrote about it in a blog titled Shame v. Guilt. In it, she said that she can find a helpful place for guilt stating it “holds something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and psychological discomfort.” Shame, on the other hand, “is believing that WE are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.

These two emotions are completely different. Guilt, we can learn from. We can process it and come out the other side, wiser. Shame, however, is just the messy house guest that never leaves. It eats all your food, wrecks your house and doesn’t even turn on the Roomba. Y’all. Shame is a Jerk.

In the world we live in, both of the elements will always co-exist. So now what? Especially in the adoption world, how do you and I move through them, especially shame?

One thing to avoid is perfectionism. In his book You Rise Glorious, Mike Foster says “At its core, perfectionism is about avoiding shame. Rather than numb your inadequacy with drugs or escapism, you patch it with performance.” I know Y'all. I KNOW.

Personally, I see perfectionism highly ingrained in the adoption community. My profile book must be perfect, my letter must be perfect, my social media must be perfect because if it is not then I won’t get picked and if I don’t get picked….then… I am not worthy to be a parent.

Friends…

That. Is. Shame.

If you take nothing away from this blog today, take this, you are worthy of parenthood. No matter what your profile book looks like,  no matter if you have been chosen or you are waiting. You. Are. Worthy.

So if you want out from underneath the shame game do one thing. One main thing. Don’t seek perfection. Embrace the messy that is your life. Post a picture with no make-up or GASP NO FILTER (I know I have straight up taken crazy pills)  Have your goal set to be good, not perfect. Admit that your bed may be unmade, that your pile of laundry is to the ceiling or if you are like me, in a chair for a week waiting to be put away.

Y’all that is real life. Shame can’t live there. Wanna know why? Because there is tremendous JOY is admitting that life is not perfect and when you do… Shame can pack his bags and GO HOME. Just ask him to turn on the Roomba before he leaves.

Xoxo

Jenni

The If, Hows, and Whens of Having a Baby Shower

Written by: Macie Perreault

When expecting a baby, it only seems natural to want to have a baby shower. After all, there are things that we need to prepare for a baby. I get a lot of questions about if, how, and when hopeful adoptive parents should have a shower. I personally felt it was best for us to gather the basics that we needed and celebrate after our baby was in our arms and termination of parental rights were signed, so that’s what we did. In my opinion, it was completely worth the wait. I know a lot of you plan to have a shower, but you want to know how to do it well. Let’s chat about why this is so controversial and talk about a few tips on doing it well.

When we come to our adoption journeys, one of the first things we do in our world today is look to the internet to see what everyone else is doing. This can be a both a blessing and a curse. A lot of times we do things simply because everyone else is doing them. If everyone is doing it, it must be okay. Right? Sadly, no. We blindly follow the masses without taking the time to peel back the layers, educate ourselves, and realize that just because “everyone is doing it” doesn’t mean it’s the best choice. Sadly, so many things that we do as hopeful adoptive parents can be unintentionally unwise, unethical, and even downright coercive. This breaks my heart.

Let me say, as always, there is no judgement here. There is no condemnation. In some areas, there is no one size fits all when it comes to the do’s and don’ts of adoption. In other areas there are very clearly things that are right and wrong. There are certain things that I believe should and shouldn’t be done if we are holding ourselves to the highest standards we can. Please don’t take what is said here and judge someone who hasn’t done things the way we’ll talk about. There are ways that we can do better. ALL of us will do at least one thing (probably many) that we will look back on and wish we did differently. I asked for the input of adoption professionals and birth parents for this post, so know that this is not just my personal opinion. I believe that there is a very large gray area when it comes to baby showers and adoption, but there are some things that I think are very important to take into consideration.

One of the hardest parts of learning how to navigate the domestic infant adoption process well is facing the fact that it’s not the same as carrying a biological child. I’m very passionate about the fact that adoption is not just for people who have walked through infertility, but I know that a large portion of hopeful adoptive parents fall into that category. It’s heartbreaking to know that we may never be able to grow our family biologically. I understand that this is such a sensitive and sad topic for many hopeful adoptive parents. Like I said, I’ve asked for input from professionals, birth parents, and adoptees on this.

They all said the same thing: we will not be able to adopt as well if we have not grieved our infertility. It will not be easy to understand why there are some things that are frowned upon ethically that we would be able to do if we were having a child biologically. This is not to say “get over it.” Infertility is not something that you just pick up and move on from. This is just to say, we need to make sure that we give ourselves the time to grieve the fact that we haven’t been able to carry biological children. We need to give ourselves the time that we need to be able to separate our infertility from our adoption. We need to understand that although one may have led us to the other, they are two separate journeys.

In doing this, we’ll be able to love the expectant parents that we come in contact with in a much healthier way. We will be able to make choices that uphold the highest ethics even though the'y’ll be different than what we may have envisioned for our baby preparations. This is tough stuff, friends. So read on with an open mind and give yourself grace if these are hard pills to swallow or are foreign ideas. I know this is hard, but I also know that we’re here because we want to do this well. It’s gonna be okay.

Should I have a baby shower before the baby is born and papers are signed?

This is tough. I believe you can have a baby shower to get prepared for your hopeful baby, but you should do it very, very carefully if you’re going to do it. I’m sure that any woman who is considering placing her child with a family wants the family to be good and ready, but let’s not forget that it’s much more important to prepare our hearts than a perfect nursery or clothing collection. There are some things we should strongly consider if we’re going to have a baby shower.

Even if we’ve been chosen by an expectant momma and we feel confident that she will place her child with us, the hard truth is that the baby simply isn’t ours yet. The fact that we have been chosen to potentially parent her child if she decides to follow through with her adoption plan is an honor. But she does not owe us anything. This is not our baby in any way, shape, or form. This is 100% her baby. We should feel passionate about this and want to love her well in this season, consistently reassuring her that we will support her no matter what she decides. If we’re going to have a shower, we need to let it be preparation for a baby, but definitely not for a specific baby. There's nothing wrong with celebrating and preparing. There is a problem with doing all of those things in preparation for a specific baby. That is when it turns to being coercive. We cannot claim a child as our own before TPR (termination of parental rights) has been signed. We have to realize that this baby may never become ours. It's hard. I know it stings, but it's true. And it’s right. I know that this is where many of us would come in with our, “but my situation is different,” or “but she’s positive she isn't  going to change her mind,” or “but she told us it was okay for us to ____.” Friends, we have got to stop making exceptions to try to justify doing things in unethical or questionable ways. It’s not worth it. It’s not okay. We have to resist the urge to let this apply to everyone but ourselves. We will never regret holding ourselves to an even higher standard than necessary, but we could face mounds of regret for making poor choices and being coercive because of our own desires. If we’re going to have a shower while in the wait, one tip would be to do it before we have been chosen by an expectant momma so that we can do it in the most pure way possible. It will be easier for our hearts and minds to grasp that we are preparing for a baby, but not a specific baby, if we do it ahead of time.

A sip and see is a great option! This is what I did. If you’ve never heard of this, look it up on Pinterest. There are tons of adorable ideas out there. After our baby was placed with us and papers were signed, we had a big shower where family and friends came to celebrate, shower us with gifts, and meet our sweet new bundle. This is what I would recommend to be the least “risky” as far as ethics and coercion go.

We have to remember that in the world we live in today, there’s a very good chance that an expectant momma who chooses us is looking at our social media accounts. I know, I know… We always think our situation is different, but I think many times that can be a cop out. We have to be very careful that the things we post are not coercive in any way. From an expectant momma’s perspective, she will feel a lot of pressure to place if she knows we’re acting like her baby is already ours. Even if we think she won't be able to find us online, it's still best to err on the side of caution when it comes to what we post. We can post anything we want after everything is final if she decides to go through with her adoption plan. We have to use wisdom and discernment here.

Like I mentioned above, we have to understand that adopting is different than being pregnant. We have to take hold of a very uncertain journey and love the expectant mom (and potentially father and other family members) that have been placed in front of us as well as we can for as long as we can- regardless of if she ends up choosing to place her child with us or becomes empowered to parent.

Ultimately, it is up to each and every one of us individually. We are the only one who gets to decide how we handle the intricate details of our adoption journeys. We have to consistently search our hearts and our motives to make sure that we are doing everything for the right reasons. We have to remember that there are so many more stories being written than our own. We have to remember that coercion is real. We can consciously decide to do everything in our power to uphold the highest ethics and standards. We can make sure to do everything  we can in hopes that an expectant family never feels pressured to place their child with us. We can prepare our homes, our nurseries, and our hearts while holding ourselves to high standards. And while remembering that the preparation in our hearts is what matters the most.

My Hopes for My Black Child who is Being Raised by White Parents

Written by: Nicole Marie

Hi friends! My name is Nicole. I’m a birth mom from Texas. My son and I have been in a very open adoption since February of 2017... Like more open than most.

It’s been two years. We’re two years in and we are finally walking out of a season of adjusting, learning, and setting a firm foundation into a season of harvest in regards to our adoption plan. His parents, Tim & Ashley, and I are actually friends, kinda “weird” right? I gave these people a kid and now we’re friends outside of just our son. I love the relationship we have and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m here to tell you about my experience in placing my biracial (black and white) son with a white family. So grateful you chose to pull up a chair and have a cup of coffee with me.

Let me start off by saying that I was very open minded in regards to race when it came to picking a family for my son. I was more open minded in that than on the other requirements that I stood very firm on. I believe transracial adoptions can be done so well by anyone. Theres a major lack of black families adopting so I really didn’t have much of a choice when it came to race. I can say now that if I had the chance to do it all again with different families to choose from, I would still pick Tim and Ashley 100x over. They have done so much to “adopt well” without even realizing it. They just do what they have to for our son out of love.

If you adopt a child of color, you are willingly or maybe unintentionally promising to honor them as best as you can. This means doing what you have to do as parents to celebrate and honor their blackness. It means helping them feel proud to be black while growing up in a white home. This world is so unfair to people of color. Assuming you are white, you may have realized this before, but you especially will after adopting a child of color. Most white adoptive parents are stuck when it comes to tangible ways to honor blackness in the home... So I’m going to give you a few ways that I (ONE black birth mom) think you can honor blackness all the time. Not just during Black History Month.

1- One way you can make your child feel proud in their black skin is finding community where their skin color will be represented. How are you going to tell your child that they are beautiful, they are strong, and that they are WORTHY, but have no one else around them with brown skin? With kinky hair? With full lips? Would you believe it if you were in that position? Its safe to say you wouldn’t... and they won’t. I didn’t. Ive lived this before. I’ve lived being the only brown girl surrounded by white community. Besides my mama, I was completely white washed and I’m undoing years of that. Take it from me when I say that this is the most important thing I’m going to share in this blog post.

After adopting Moses, Tim and Ashley realized that they needed more diversity in their life, so they moved churches. That was an immediate change that they could make, so they did it. And they ended loving the change. As I’m typing this, I just got back from church with them for the second time. Their church always welcomes me with open arms and I can see first hand where my child worships God and who he has teaching him. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, you are loved and welcomed and you never feel like the odd man out. They have also changed schools for our guy. Its about going the extra mile if it isn’t already in your life. Diversifying your life is never a bad thing. It might be uncomfortable at first, but sit in the uncomfortable. Its a great place to learn.

2- Learn how to care for their hair. Your hair is your crown, so is baby hair! You must learn how to care for it properly as it is different from yours and must be treated as such. There are so many resources at your finger tips, literally. Instagram, Youtube, a quick google search. Its worth it to find these resources and seek them out for your child. If you absolutely think you cannot do it well, find a black woman or man to do it for you. Find black hair stylists, black barbers, and black braiders. I promise you won’t regret doing this stuff now and not having to double back to undo years of damage. You want your childs crown to be as healthy as possible so they can be as confident as possible.

3- Read books about influential black people of our time. My sons favorite book is Jackie Robinson. There are great books about Dr. Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Fredrick Douglas, Thurgood Marshall, and so many more… We see all of the men and women who are influential in todays world being mostly white. Show them that there are GREAT people who are of color. These people rarely receive global recognition because they’re black. Find women of color who can empower your black daughters. Find black friends who can pour truth into you as a parent and as a human being raising a black child today. Expose them to all of the things that you would want to know about your own culture and background. They will thank you later for it. Tim and Ashley always have these books available for Moses and his sister Millie to read. Its not something they have to ask for either. Its just normal day to day life.

4- Love their black birth family the way you love your own family, because you are family forever now. Here’s a hard pill to swallow- your child’s birth family will always be their family and there is no erasing DNA regardless of if you like them or not. Most adoptive families and birth families would have never known each other without adoption. This isn’t always the case, but most of the time this stands true because of social classes. That is not saying one is better than the other, just that everyone has experienced life differently and comes from different places. Try to find the things you have in common with your child’s birth family and get to know them for who they truly are.

We are all humans just trying to show this child how loved they are. Embrace their birth family. Ask for their help if you need it for anything that has to do with the child. Anything that can bridge the gap between the birth family, the adoptive family, and the adoptee is so valuable. Tim and Ashley know my love language, they know my enneagram number, they know what conversations are hard for me. They know my favorite store, the foods I hate, and my favorite drinks. They know me. I never feel like I don’t belong. I feel like family. They can look our son in the face and say that they truly did everything they could to foster our relationship, and boy is it flourishing.

 You will never regret doing these things, but you will regret having to tell your child you could’ve done more but chose not to. You can adopt a child of color and do it well. Instagram is a beautiful place to connect and help each other. I am rooting for you to continue to grow as a family, but as a person as well. If you feel you really have no one to walk with you, I will walk with you. I love you and many blessings!

Preparing for Black History Month

Written by: Kiana Bosman

The thought of black history month should excite me. However, as a transracial adoptee who grew up in an extremely predominantly white town it still makes me cringe, even 5 years post high school. If you are an adoptive parent of a child that even slightly resembles African American decent, Black History Month is something you need to prepare for. Quite frankly, in most schools, it’s a disgrace to Black History and a discomfort to us kids.

Imagine sitting down in your seat and as soon as the word “black” comes out of your teacher’s mouth, all heads are suddenly on a swivel in your direction. Imagine when the words “negro” or “slavery” are said in whatever movie you’re watching or book you’re reading aloud. That is what the month of February has always entailed for me.

As for grade school, you can typically expect five years of “I have a dream,” short essays, & no knowledge of what MLK actually did. Black History Month is usually a surface level head nod towards three things: slavery, MLK, and occasionally Rosa Parks. But what about Nina, Ruby, Maya, and Malcolm? Why is it that each year black history is diminished to slavery, assassination, and incarceration? What about the writers, creators, activists, doctors, and athletes. There’s so much more to black History month than those who were enslaved, incarcerated, or assassinated; but most schools won’t teach that. So you will need to prepare. You will need to prepare both yourself and your children.

Prepare for the fact that you might have to go to the school and ask for your child to be removed from their history class. Because people repeatedly asking your child what it must’ve felt like being a slave is inappropriate. Prepare yourself for the “I just don’t feel good” phone calls and the early pickups because they will surely happen.

Prepare your kids; this is even more important than preparing yourself! Black history should not just be one month out of the year. It should be a regular thing. Prepare your child by normalizing their ethnic history, the good and the bad. Buy some books. There are great ones out there! Read together, discuss together, celebrate the victories &  accomplishments, and learn together.  Doing the work beforehand and behind the scenes can help soften the blow of some of the things they’ll hear in school. It will help them immensely if they have a firm foundation already established.

And lastly, remember that Black History becomes apart of your families history, because when adopting kids, you adopt every single part of them, including the culture and its history. It’s worth you putting in the work for the sake of your child.”

You Are Not Alone- Thoughts on Post Adoption Depression

Written by: Jenni Starling

From the outside, I had everything I could have ever wanted. Honestly, I had been on my knees in prayer for the better part of five years to have all I have now. I had a beautiful home, a husband, and a beautiful baby boy. However, it was not supposed to be like this and the reality of that almost broke me.

When we started into the adoption process, like many of you, our eyes were on the baby.  That is all I personally thought about. It shames me deeply to say that but it is the truth.  All the focus was on the baby.  The weight of HOW I was becoming a mother hit me when we met our son’s birth mother. However, it REALLY hit me in the hospital... and it hit me even harder after the hospital.

The day I was handed our son is a day I will never forget. I was numb, I was broken. Watching his birth mother walk out of the hospital broke me. I did not know it at the time, but it did. After we got home, the weight of the grief was heavy. Knowing I had this baby and she was grieving was not something anyone prepared me for. I tried to fix it… I wanted to fix it and I could not. I wanted her to be okay and nothing I could do could take her pain away.

I didn't even know that postpartum depression could happen with adoptive moms… that is until counseling. I remember my counselor looking at me saying, “I think you are depressed, I think you have postpartum.” I looked at her like she had four heads. Postpartum is hormonal. I don’t have that? AND in fact, I have everything I have ever wanted so why would I be depressed?

Postpartum is more that hormonal friends. It happens when mothers experience extreme stress, anxiety, and life change. The stress of not being able to fix the pain surrounding me left me feeling inadequate, alone and isolated. After all, isn’t this why I was chosen? Wasn’t I chosen because on paper I could be the “perfect mom” and here I was failing in fixing pain... which clearly means I was not adequate for the job?

No, just no.

I am writing about this to bring awareness and encouragement to new adoptive mamas. I am writing about this to encourage agencies to prepare adoptive parents for what is to come. For a soul like mine, it was hard to handle. It was hard to handle because I truly loved and still love our son’s birth mother so much. It literally broke my heart to see her and her family broken… and I did not know how to fix it.

Here is what I know now. You can’t fix it.

What you can do is confirm over and over again that you are going to keep promises. Confirm over and over again that you love them. Over time, those promises will hold more because you keep them. That builds trust and love and both of those things can heal broken hearts. However, both of those also take time.

So if you are a new mama through adoption and you feel isolated and alone, know that you are not. Reach out. Find fellow adoptive mamas that can understand your pain and help you through it. Your tribe is out there ready and willing to help you. Hang in there, mamas. You have this. xoxo Jenni

Our Hardest Trial Yet: "Failed" Adoption

Written by: Amy Bagwell

I wrote this blog in November of 2017, nine days after the events you’ll read about took place. I knew that I wanted to write out all of my emotions, before I forgot about the feelings I felt and the lessons I learned. As God would have it, exactly 16 days after writing this post, “K” joined our family. Her first mom, in all of her bravery, chose us to be her daughter’s family forever.  Where we thought the road ended, God was just starting a new story.

It’s been nine days since we thought we were going to bring a baby home. I didn’t want to wait until the pain had totally gone away before I wrote about the emotions. On the one hand, I want you to get a good view of what a "failed adoption" feels like, but I also want you to know that I don’t yet have the answers about how to process it.

Eleven days ago we received a call about a 16 month old baby girl whose mom was ready to place her for adoption. We submitted our profile, and she chose us! We thought we were going to an office to pick the sweet girl up. We’ll call her K. As we walked in to meet her, the lady  there was snapping pictures of us as K literally ran towards us with the biggest smile. It was precious. For the next couple of hours we got to know K and her mom and talked through it all. Around lunch, we ended with the decision that K’s mom was not going to sign papers on the spot that day, but that she was going to go home and process all of this and let us spend time with K the next day and just make sure we were a good fit. We went home with a nervous excitement. This little girl was amazing and her mom was very strong to even be contemplating this decision for her daughter.

The next day came. We got up, had our coffee, and headed to Target. We bought some diapers, cups, snacks, and obvi. a couple of toys. My husband, Charlie, was sure that she needed the biggest box of goldfish that money could buy, so of course we got that too.  We arrived at the house and she was so cute, happy, and ready to roll. We loaded her in the carseat and went to the only place we know to take a toddler for lunch, Chick-fil-a. After cutting her nuggets into pieces way smaller than necessary, we enjoyed the best lunch. She sampled the chicken, fries, fruit, but chugged that milk right down.

After we got our calories in, we headed to the park. She put on a show. She was running up and down the hills, sliding down the slide on repeat, and making sure to talk to every friend we passed. We took pictures and videos like we were seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. They don’t really do it justice, but it’s a time you never want to forget.

She didn’t so much as whimper the whole day, she giggled and observed the world, the most content baby girl. Once we got back to where she was staying, I spent an hour or more talking with her mom as Charlie and K played in the floor, like he’d done that same thing every day his whole life. He was such a natural, K’s mom was shocked at how well they took to each other. She told me all about K, what she likes to eat, how she sleeps, and what her middle name is, and why she’s making this choice. She sent us home with most all of her things in two small boxes and one bag. We planned to meet up at 9am the next day with all of the necessary people and papers to bring this baby girl home. It was a whirlwind. We didn’t even tell all of our family, because it happened so quick! When we left their place, we came home, unloaded her things, scarfed down some food and went on a shopping spree. We had to get the necessities (and a few extras). It was so nerve-wracking and exhilarating. I knew she wasn’t ours yet, but what we had prayed for 5.5 years felt so close that it evoked an emotion I really can’t quite put words to yet.

It’s not really my place to unveil all of the details that occurred over next several days, but suffice it to say that it was really hard. We don’t know where K is, but we know that she is not our child and she never was. We are glad to have gotten to love her, if even just for a short time. I will always believe that her Mom truly wants what is best for her, and even though it wasn’t the route she chose at that time, pursuing adoption is one of the ways that she showed that. We are not mad at her for her decision.

Adoption is very, very hard. Seeing, holding, loving and losing a child that doesn’t belong to you is a test of faith like I have never experienced.

Here’s what I’ve learned in this short amount of time:

• It’s ok to be sad. Not knowing what was going to actually happen, I held it all in for several days. I tried to put all of my emotions on pause. But, as I sat alone several days later, I actually started allowing myself to feel pain and I felt like God told me to press into that pain. Don’t suppress it, press into it and really feel it. As much as I wanted to get up and get on with my day, I sat and wrote down fun memories from our very short time with her and I looked at her pictures, especially the one of her looking into Charlie’s eyes laughing. Once I let myself be sad, it was almost like my joy was restored. I am no therapist, but I know that healing followed the sadness.

• She was never our daughter. Until the papers are signed, any baby that we hear about, meet, love, cuddle, and care for is not our child. It doesn’t mean we can’t love them, it just means we have to keep a proper perspective. This is like the number one rule in adoption, but man, it’s hard!

• Nothing is wasted. Our time with K wasn’t some sort of sick joke by God. She served a purpose in our life, and I hope and pray we served a purpose in her life and her Mama’s life. She exposed some anxieties that we had to deal with, and I think we’ll be better parents because of it. She taught us that adopting a toddler could be really fun. Most importantly, God used her to remind me that He loves her and He loves me, more than I could ever imagine. He isn’t being mean to either one of us and He’s got really good plans for both of us. She’s His daughter, and so am I. He’s a better parent than we could ever dream of being.

I don’t know the end to K’s story or the end to ours. As hard it was, we would go through it all over again. Hard things aren’t bad things.

Jumping in to Embryo Adoption

Written by: Katie Lippa

Sometimes we’re asked to step out of our comfort zone for a time. Maybe it’s a hard conversation or trying a new hobby.  And sometimes we’re asked to literally jump out of that comfort zone skydiving style, and never look back. Free falling, having no idea where it’s taking you, and the only comfort is knowing you have a parachute called faith that will help ease the fall. Having that parachute doesn’t mean it’s not the scariest thing you’ve ever done. Because it is. And quite frankly, hitting the ground still might hurt like hell. But you do it because staying in that plane for the rest of your life isn’t an option. So, you jump. That’s how my entry into motherhood felt like as we walked the road of embryo adoption.

We started our adoption journey on a cold January night in 2010. After years of processing the devastating news that we would never have biological children. I remember hearing about embryo adoption for the first time and thinking it was odd and yet beautiful. Adopting embryos from a couple who went through IVF and have remaining frozen embryos. Feeling their family is complete, the most life honoring thing to do with these left over embryos is to give them a chance at life. While it sounded amazing, our initial reaction was that it wasn’t for us. Isn’t it interesting how we can often resist things that feel so out of our comfort zone?  It feels so out of control.  And yet, a still small voice continued to speak to us about it. What if this was for us?What if we jumped, not knowing the outcome?What if we said yes to this wild adventure?

We knew that embryo adoption was risky. You are not guaranteed that it will end in a pregnancy. As we prayed about it we said that we would only move forward if it was the path God had for us. At that point we wanted to do it but we needed something bigger than just our desires to move us forward. Because if He told us to go down the road, the outcome didn't matter. Of course we hoped it would result in a pregnancy and becoming parents. But we also knew that we would be giving those embryos a chance at life. Regardless of the outcome, that is a great honor.

Fast Forward a couple years.We have adopted from 2 different families and had the opportunity to give 6 embryos a chance at life. We had the great honor of being a vessel in which 5 were released, no longer remaining in a frozen state. And one embryo stayed with us. His life was conceived 3.5 years before being placed into my womb….. On a cold day in January back in 2010. A intricate detail not lost on us.

I had the opportunity to carry and birth my adopted son. Even as I type the words it still gives me the chills. When I look into my sons eyes I see Gods goodness. I see a wild story that is far beyond one I could orchestrate. I’m thankful for the pain of infertility that brought us down this road.  I’m thankful we jumped. 

Save Your Child's Story For Them To Tell

Written by: Kyla Oldham

Hi friends!

I’m Kyla! A wife and mom who become a mama through adoption. Our story is a bit unique, because I’m adopted as well! Having been adopted and also adopting has given me a special perspective on how to approach my sons story.

I feel so incredibly passionate about protecting his story and protecting his biological mom's story as well. Because the two are intertwined and forever sacred. While growing up my mom loved to share my story with anyone who would ask or listen. Her intentions, like most mama's intentions, were never malicious or meant to be hurtful. Often, the details that were shared were some of my biological moms worst moments. Things I know she regrets. I often felt like I was left to carry the shame of those regrets when the conversation was over.

When we share these intimate details of our kids' lives, we’re helping continue the perpetuation of a savior mentality that plagues our adoption community. When we share we need to ask ourselves, "what are my intentions? Who’s benefiting from this? And who could be hurt by this?"

We’ve all encountered that one person who keeps calling us an adoptive mom one too many times. Or says “Have you met Kyla?! She adopted her son!” Most of us are quick to smile and say “Hey! I’m just a mom. I barely wash my hair and I’ve worn these yoga pants for 3 days in a row.” 💁🏻‍♀️ Our kids deserve the same. I often just wanted to be a kid! I didn’t want every person in my life to know intimate details of my background. Most of the time, I didn’t even remember these events! Imagine how uncomfortable I was when I’d meet someone who knew more about my deeply personal story than I knew about them!

It’s so deeply important that we keep the conversation open about our kids adoption. But we need to keep that conversation going in a way that protects them and their hearts.

There’s power in owning your story. My sons story is amazing. I’m forever in awe of how he came to be my son. And one day, if he chooses to, he’ll share it with whoever he wishes! He’s only two years old but I’m already so proud of who he’ll be and who he will impact with his story. I know we all want that for our kids. Whether they are biological children or the children that joined us through adoption. 💛

6 Ways to Adopt Well- From A Birth Mother’s View

Written by: Leah Outten

Adopting well encompasses so many different aspects of adoption. It takes into consideration not just your dreams as an adoptive family, but also the realities of the birth parent’s loss and the adoptee’s.

Adoption truly is bittersweet, from all sides of the adoption triad. There is loss, hope, grief, and joy all rolled into one. But, when adoption is done correctly, it can be all those things in a beautiful balance that benefits all involved.

Open adoption (in most cases) is the key to that. It creates the space for an adoptee to be loved and honored by all sides of their family tree that make them who they are. 

I know because I live it and have for over 14 years now. As a pregnant 16 year old, initially I couldn’t fathom “giving up my baby” and never seeing her again. I needed and wanted to know who she was with, how she was doing, her talents as she blossomed, and most importantly that she knew to her core how much I loved her. Choosing open adoption was my compromise between parenting and the old school way of closed adoptions.

For many birth mothers these days that is their compromise, too. Adoption is never an easy choice to make, and most of the time it is made out of love for their child. We wanted more for them, so we broke our own heart to do so.

To adopt well, adoptive parents need to know that open adoption is proven to have happier results for all members of the adoption triad. Your child’s happiness, I’m sure, is your number one priority as a parent. It is for our’s as a birth parent, too. While there needs to be much more studies done in this area, what we do have available has proven higher satisfaction and many benefits with open adoption. Beyond science, the testimonies like my own show it as well. It benefits the adopted child by knowing who they look like and having a direct source to ask their questions. The relationship that we have created

To adopt well, adoptive parents need to underpromise and over deliver. Please, please don’t make promises you don’t feel you can't  keep. Be honest with us on your expectations, boundaries, and how you envision our adoption. Keep promises at a minimum and then blow us away with extra visits and pictures when you can.

To adopt well, adoptive parents can’t be scared of the birth family. Absolutely have boundaries in place, but know that we aren’t here to take our child back-- who chose you! We simply want to know our child, and for them to know us, so that it helps heal our hearts as we grieve and for our child to get the answers they will want to know as they process their own adoption story.

To adopt well, adoptive parents needs to open their hearts-- not just towards a new child-- but to child’s birth family as well. Understanding a birth mother’s heart and grief is the beginning of having compassion for her. It has become my passion to share my birth mother story in hopes it helps others understand a birth mother’s heart. I’ve found in my discussion with adoptive parents, learning the reality of what a birth mother faces in her decision and loss builds respect and adoration for her choice. When you open your heart to love a child, you are inviting another important person into your life as well.

To adopt well, adoptive parents needs to know that we aren’t here to confuse our child. Tell me, does it confuse you to have both a stepmother and a mother? I have known my stepmother for as long as I can remember, I have always had two mothers with two different roles. One gave me my biological looks, talents, and soul connection that only she and I could have since I grew within her womb. The other was a mother who looks different and acts much different than I, but we also have a unique soul connection grown from a choice to love. Her advice may be different than my biological mother, and her care is even different. Two distinct roles, but both are valuable in my life. I am not adopted, but having step-parents is such a common things these days--I want people to see how silly it is to think that having birth family involved would be confusing for a child!

To adopt well, adoptive parents need to respect the birth family’s role, just as we respect yours. It’s a simple fact that I will never be my birth daugther’s parent, nor will they ever be the one who gave birth to her. Respecting those different roles for what they are helps a child embrace each family member and the pieces that make them who they are. The birth family gave them life, you get to give them wings to thrive... knowing both are essential to a thriving child!

I am grateful for open adoption as a new beginning and a second chance for both my birth daughter’s life and mine. 14 years later we are seeing the fruits of the seeds her adoptive parents and I planted years ago. The early years I enjoyed my visits with my daughter, but I just as much enjoyed our talks over their dinner table or phone calls with updates. The early years was our foundation of open adoption. Because of their openness to me into their lives, my birth daughter is now thriving and secure in who she is within her adoption. She knows why I placed her, how deep my love is for her, and is grateful for the life she was given. Every child deserves that opportunity (as long as it is a safe situation, of course).

Adoption is much bigger than your insecurities and desires. Adopting well means you love them both.

The Blessings of Open Adoption

Written by: Jada Hazlett

My husband, Daniel, and I are high school sweethearts and have been married for 10 years now. Even before we were married, we knew adoption would somehow be a part of our story. We had two biological sons in 2013 and 2014, and a few years later we felt the push to begin our adoption process. 

Along the way, we had two matches with two expectant mothers that ultimately did not work out. In the moment we called them “failed adoptions" but now we do not. Nothing about them were failures! Adoption is a heart-wrenching decision that a mother makes for her child, and at the heart of it, she is making a decision that she believes is in the best interest of the child. As adoptive parents, we always wanted to err on that side as well; whatever the mother sees as best is what we would also see as best.

We walked with one of the expectant mothers for several months. Ultimately, she decided to parent her baby! How amazing is that? A woman who at first felt hopeless in a situation and was going to place her child for adoption, now felt prepared and empowered to parent her baby! That is amazing and is ultimately what was best for the child. That doesn’t mean we weren’t hurt or emotional. We totally were! Why would God have us go through all of that TWICE? Part of that answer, we may never know this side of eternity. He works in ways we don’t always understand. Maybe it was to hold us over until it was time for our daughter. Maybe it was to open our hearts more and more to open adoption or maybe it was to prepare us to be the best people we could be to our eventual daughter’s birthmother. We did later find out that the first couple we were matched with ended up naming her baby after us! They needed us for a season and, honestly, we needed them for that season too! We don’t know all the answers, but we know it was not wasted time. 

After those two situations dissolved, we continued on our waiting journey for a situation. We always knew we wanted our adoption journey to include ministering to a brave woman through an open adoption. We just didn’t know exactly what that would look like. 

It wasn’t much longer that we heard about our daughter’s situation. This woman’s story (which isn’t mine to tell) grabbed our hearts right away. We said yes to the situation with no hesitation and started communicating with her soon after that. We met a couple days later for a doctor’s appointment. She originally asked for a closed adoption because she was also scared of open adoption, but after we met for the first time we were instant friends! It’s a good thing we were instant friends because within a month, our daughter was in our arms. 

Let me tell you, there is something incredibly humbling about a woman handing you her baby, with tears and pain in her eyes. I will never forget watching her say goodbye to her daughter, not knowing if she’d ever see her again, and handing her to me- with trust and also fear. Trust that I will take care this baby, but also fear that she may never hear from me again. It’s a moment that is forever etched in my mind. Quite honestly, it’s the moment that motivated me to always love not only our daughter, but also her biological mother. This woman had become my friend and had entrusted us with the most special little girl. We owe our everything to this courageous woman. This baby was hers first, she made a decision to trust us, and we would always hold that trust as a treasure. 

We are over a year out now and open adoption has blessed us in many more ways than we ever imagined. Our daughter’s biological mother is still a big part of our lives. We visit, we text, we chat, we’re friends on social media. This causes some people to cringe. Even one of my own family members told me I shouldn’t visit her again because she might try to take my daughter away. Adoption has changed so much over the years. Open adoption is not a way for a mother to “steal back” a baby. Open adoption typically allows a birth mother to feel more at peace with her decision for years to come.

Open adoption has blessed us with TWO family members- our daughter and her biological mother. 

Open adoption blessed us with the fact that when our daughter has questions about who her mother is, (and she will- all adoptees do) she’s only a text away. 

Open adoption blessed our daughter with two mothers. 

Open adoption has blessed our daughter’s birth mother with texts, videos, and updates whenever she wants! 

Open adoption has blessed me with a woman to share in motherhood with. She rejoices with me when our daughter does something new. She tells me about her family history when our daughter has something medically come up. We get to share in the beautiful, messy, rewarding gift of motherhood.

I know things are changing quickly in the adoption world and it seems like closed adoption is the “safe choice." However, think about your child in the future. Think about them as a teenager. They will have questions and will want answers surrounding their adoption and birth parents. An open adoption will allow adoptive parents to give honest answers and help their children process their thoughts and emotions. 

In adoption, many times the focus is on the adoptive parents. The adoptive parents play an important role, yes, but honoring the adoptive family should not come by dishonoring the birth mother and the child. Open adoption allows for everyone to be honored in the process and is ultimately a beautiful way to share love and care with a woman who made the most selfless decision of her life.

We are greatly blessed by our open adoption. I could not imagine it being any other way. We were blessed with a beautiful daughter, a lifelong friend, and I get to share motherhood with the strongest and most courageous woman I know.
 

-Jada Hazlett

Meeting Your Baby- The Bittersweet Beauty.

Written by: Anonymous

There’s nothing like meeting your child for the first time. It’s a beautiful honor that few moments in life can compare to. However, when a child joins your family through adoption, it’s also sacred and heartbreaking in ways that people don't often talk about. I know that human nature tempts us to lean into only the joyous parts of the journey, but for the sake of our children and their birth families, we need to choose to face the complexities head on.

On a chilly winter evening in 2017, I had the honor of meeting my son for the very first time in a dimly lit NICU room. It was absolutely overwhelming in every way. I was overwhelmed with love. Overwhelmed that years of infertility and miscarriages all of a sudden felt totally worth it when I looked into my little guy's eyes. I was overwhelmed because my dream had come true; my hands were now full of the sweet baby that I had a longed for, prayed for, and hoped for for years. But I was overwhelmed for another reason, too… And no one had prepared me for it.

I was overwhelmed because I knew that before I ever walked into that NICU room, another woman spent time in there. Another woman looked into my little guy's eyes. She interacted with the nurses that were introducing me to my new son. She had rocked him in that chair on the other side of his little bassinet. She was there not long before me, changing his diapers. She’d kissed that head full of so many precious hairs and, if I had to guess, I’d bet that she cried tears over him, too. I wasn't the first woman to fall in love in that room. I wasn't the first mom to meet this little guy and have her heart well up with the instantaneous love that you feel when you meet your child for the first time. Simply put, I wasn't the first mom in that room.

One of my friends is a birth mom of 14 years. I’ll never forget the details she’s so graciously shared with me about her experience being the first mom. She said that when the time came for her to leave the hospital, she prayed that the family she had chosen would uphold their promise of an open adoption. She had no guarantees that she would ever be able to see her son again, but she prayed that she would. She told him how much she loved him and begged him for forgiveness. She feared to her very core that her own son would hate her for walking away. She gave him one more kiss as she breathed in the last moment of being his only mother. She glanced back at him as she walked out of the hospital room. She walked down the hall, hand in hand with her father as he looked at her and said, "I feel like I'm leaving my grandson's funeral." As they were leaving, she heard something just around the corner.. Outbursts of joy. She saw her son’s new family there to meet him. Full of excitement and joy, with a fresh bundle of balloons. I can’t quite imagine it.

Adoption is complex. As hopeful adoptive parents, it can be so easy to only see how this affects us. An adoption placement means that our dreams of becoming parents come to fruition. In so many ways, it’s absolutely amazing. But we’ve got to remember, our gain was first someone else’s loss. Birth mothers are not surrogates; they’re mothers. They’re entrusting us with their child.

In preparing ourselves to face the heartbreak head on right alongside the beauty, we will be able to better empathize with our children as they grow. In not shying away from the bittersweet realities of it all, we give them permission to process their emotions without judgement.

If I could go back and tell myself one thing during the wait, I’d say this; “When and if the time comes that you have the honor and privilege to enter a room and meet a child that may become your own, don’t forget that this isn’t just about you." We must be sensitive to the complex and to the sacred. We’ve got to remember that the sacred does not always need to be shared. I’ve got a file of memories from the hospital in my heart that I’m keeping safely tucked away for my son that the internet will never, ever see.

So hopeful adoptive parents, when and if your time comes, I’d urge you not to turn a blind eye to the hard parts that are raveled in with the joy. It’s okay to rejoice, but we need to rejoice with a deep understanding that as we rejoice someone else is mourning. Our gain is their loss. After the papers are signed and we’re holding our sweet babies, we must remember that her grieving process has only just begun. After all, this is her child, too.